Shell Within Shell.

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I AM PAPER SERIES ©Reylia Slaby 2016

 

 

Today I was again caught in a whirlwind. A cruel, blustery tempest. These past few days have been full of me chasing after myself, but then running away from it as well. I fidget all day, carrying this anxious feeling within my chest, that threatens to choke me. It seems to say: When is it good enough? “It” being the art I produce, or rather, myself. I spend so much time fixated on it’s perfection in my mind, rather than production of the physical art itself. I am aware of this in myself, and it leaves me in even more suffering and guilt, stuck within a vicious circle. I tell myself that perhaps this is growth, but I find myself trapped within shell within shell, like a matryoshka doll.

Even as I type, I am fearful. Will even this be good enough? Where have I developed this abnormal fear of imperfection from? Perhaps it was something that naturally permeated and stained my being after being birthed and bred in the Japanese culture? A slow trickle of poison. Undetectable in small doses. Could that be the culprit?

Because when I was younger, I remember not fearing anything. I remember what it felt to be inspired by a piece of work rather than intimidated of or jealous of it.

Can I reclaim that sense of self? Hopefully I can find it again this year.

Always,

r.

http://www.reyliaslaby.com

Becoming Myself

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“Becoming Myself”
Photo: Reylia Slaby
Model: Dagny Tarver

One thing that is often packaged with youth is the underestimated complexity of truly being yourself. The amount of pressure to act with a certain disposition to fit with the social mold can be excruciating, especially when it isn’t how you truly feel. We all handle this differently, but in my case, starting from when I believe to be around 18, I was inwardly panicked in most instances where people were involved. A cloud of angst filled my chest whenever I had to chat with someone I felt I couldn’t be myself around, especially those whom around I felt I had to uphold a certain image. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like that, and it troubled me often. I didn’t have much peace until I expressed my worries to a friend, who responded in saying that I probably had some form of social anxiety. Somehow this idea was a relief to me. It felt like I now had something more tangible to work with.

Only until recently is when I felt the intensity of these feelings drop, and I can breathe more easily. I no longer agree with the motto that says I should act how I want to feel, (e.g smile and you will start to feel happy) but instead I simply act how I feel. There is no reason for a disguise; that because it is a simple human right to to be able to express when I am sad, uncomfortable, or happy, as long as my feelings aren’t destructive.

This picture is for this current stage in my life. I can feel my mask melt away little by little, and slowly but surely I am a little bit freer.

Always,

Reylia

P.S Thank you sooo much to Dagny who worked so hard to help me achieve this image!! You.are.simply.wonderful.


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Near my home. Portrait with Kamiyu

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Today’s portrait with Kamiyu. It was the warmest day of the year, and I was feeling incredible. Summer, I am waiting for you!
This was taken near where I live. I don’t usually wander too far from home for shoots, although soon I will be heading somewhere totally new within the next couple of weeks,(Hopefully!) ! So very excited to get out, and to share my adventure.

Always,

Reylia


Website || http://www.reyliaslaby.com/
Twitter || http://www.reyliaslaby.com/
Instagram || http://www.instagram.com/reylia.slaby
Blog || http://www.reyliaslaby.wordpress.com/