The more I photograph

The more I photograph, the more I discover something about myself and about life. Art itself is the study of life. You make observations about the world you live in, or how it looks to you and you recreate than in an art form. Of course there is more than one way to study life, but art, I feel, is the one way that will permeate you completely. You begin to feel and understand the world with both your soul and mind. Everything becomes an art piece after you become an artist.

My main frustrations with art have involved the growing stages or getting sufficient attention for certain pieces. It is unfortunate and strange that the artwork of mine I like the most have been the ones that have received the least attention, but it is extremely understandable at the same time. I see things in the image that the audience doesn’t, so the select few that are willing to delve deeper into what the image means to me will be the ones fully enjoying it. Each piece I choose to display online is a “success” for me, but they are many I never reveal.

It is almost comical how much I fling myself into a frenzy because of a failed art piece. It happens often, even when what I created wasn’t bad, but simply not what I had envisioned and could be better. In those moments I am at my lowest, fully convinced that I am the worst artist in the world and don’t deserve the kindness and praise that was given prior to the consequent failure. The only remedy to this antagonizing disappointment in myself is a successful image. Not necessarily successful in how it is received, but something that I love and understand. Unfortunately, though, the healing powers of the success are short lived, because it is never long before I want to create another piece. If it fails, I am again thrusted into a momentary depression. It is definitely a strange way to live. It also doesn’t match who I am, because I am generally quite upbeat, and often a bit weird, but I have a serious side to my personality as well that ties everything else together.

Despite being fully aware of how far I have previously fallen into depression when unsuccessful, and apprehensive at it’s reappearance, I push on. Most of the time I never fully know what I’m pushing on to, and my end goal is not in the end, but in the intricate process of growth. It is through the reoccurring experience of failure and disappointment in myself that shows me how much more I have to learn and strive for. That if there was true perfection each time, it would be too easy, and life would cease to be wild, full of surprise and unpredictability. Though my failed shoots, I was given chances to see places I am lacking. Even though it is physically painful for me to fail, I know deep down that it is helping my life and my heart. So I continue to explore this funny life that we are in though the art that I create and by fully being who I am, without comparing myself to the more charismatic or business-minded artists, but to myself the day before. Only through that can positive growth be achieved.



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