Yesterday I asked myself the question, “What kind of person do I want to be?”. Of lately certain things about myself have gotten me frustrated, and my lack of willingness to change only seemed to make it worse. I knew where I needed to be better, why was I resisting it? Why couldn’t I be all that I wanted to be?
I find it really strange that people can fully comprehend the places in their life where change is necessary or even desired, but then ignore them. I have done that with plenty of things in my life. Are we that scared to admit that we aren’t perfect and need a switch in our thinking or lifestyle? So many people make excuses (I am definitely not excluded from this) and say “One day I will do it”, “Next week I’ll start doing that”, or “I’m really busy at the moment, so…”.
I was getting to the point that the things I needed to change started to consume me, and I felt trapped by all my shortcomings.
Yesterday I wrote down the question “What kind of person do I want to be?” and I amassed about 40 points so far, but I will probably collect about 100 in the end. Some has to do with art, some with personal behavior. I won’t write them all down here, but one thing that I wanted to moderate in my life was how much mindless internet surfing I was doing. It is so easy to go into Facebook and be unproductive. Hours are eaten off, and part of my life is gone. Where does all that time go? I could have spent it actually doing something.
So I managed to considerably cut down my internet time for the first time. It felt amazing, despite the slight feeling of withdrawal. At times I was walking around my house aimlessly because computer wasn’t an option if I didn’t have a concrete reason to go on. I did get a lot more done than I usually did, which makes me so glad. For the first time in a long time, I felt peaceful.
The internet gives this false sense of reality and connection. We forget that we have neighbours and instead of going out and talking with actual people, we go into our portals. Oftentimes after spending ridiculous amounts of time on the internet, we feel dissatisfied with ourselves. In a sense we have interacted, but it can never compete with an actual physical person in front of you.
I was wondering, though, why people default to the internet or other forms of addiction? I was wondering this last night and I wrote down a few notes in my notebook:
“People seem to want to be numbed to life. Drugs, alcohol, and even internet. Anything that is an addiction is an attempt to escape. Sometimes there are appropriate occasions for the need to escape, but so many young people are doing it. What are we all running from?”
So that is what is on my mind these days. I have felt an automatic rise in my mood since I stopped using the computer and switched over to more productive alternatives, and that was only one day. How much irrational unhappiness in my life has been in correlation with how I spend my time mindlessly on the computer? I have no idea, but I do want to continue this new habit.
What kind of person do you want to be?