The more I take pictures and go deeper into this world of photography, I continue to realize how much pressure is embedded into the art world. Generally speaking, I am not good at handling pressure and I freak out if I have to do something I really don’t want to do. This stress has definitely taken a toll on how I photograph. I now have to juggle all these things, and if I get one thing wrong, then the photo will be ruined. I am beginning to hate it, becasue it is resulting in more failed shoots, more stress, and less understanding of what I actually want to accomplish with the shoot.
Yesterday before my last shoot, I asked myself “What if this one fails again?” A feeling of dread came over me and I started to feel sick. So much pressure to be perfect, and I gave it to myself. I missed the time last year, when everything was new, and everything was beautiful because it felt like I found my voice, and I didn’t feel as trapped anymore. Only now to be slowly crushed by the walls I thought was protecting me from the rain.
Most of my so-called “failures” comes from me not knowing exactly what I want, but then taking the chance with a second-rate shot. I keep on compromising the photo for convenience. I must have it now now now.
Slowly the pressure pours into me, and when I reach the brim, I empty myself and feel all awesome an inspired again. Why can’t it be like that all the time? I am so tired of failing myself, crying out for attention hoping that someone would just notice me and see how much pain I am in.
Yesterday I felt like that again, except this time it was a bit different. I asked myself a question. “What if I just had no failed photo-shoots?” The idea had never occurred to me. when I started out, the idea of failing had never entered my mind. I would just keep growing and exploring and this journey would set me free. Then as I read more from other photographers, I would hear terms such as “failed photo-shoot”. After I heard that term, I had my own first “failure”. Is that a coincidence? I’m not sure. I do know, though, that we create our own reality. If the idea of failure doesn’t exist, then we can’t fail. We can only make ourselves better.